When it doesn’t feel ‘worth it’

Dear God,

This whole walking-in-obedience thing doesn’t always feel worth it. It doesn’t feel worth it when I haven’t seen most of my university friends in over six months because I no longer have that much time. When I don’t always get enough sleep or have the time to cook proper meals or see my family a lot. It doesn’t feel very worth it then.

I miss my old friends in Canterbury and also, still, I sometimes miss Berlin and the people I knew there. A while back I wrote about loneliness and although things are better, I am still often lonely because London is a lonely place, and making friends after university is hard.

In fact, post-university life is good but it is harder than anyone ever told me it would be.

Hard when it seems that You have become silent for a time and I begin to second guess and to doubt some things I thought You said. Hard when I feel like I am losing You in the daily grind and the crowds hurrying, always hurrying.

I am enormously grateful to be where I am – yes, even on moany days like this. I am just an ordinary girl from a normal working class family, who only just upwards of a year ago was dead broke, depressed and anxious. So I appreciate the workplace I’m in, and the perks of having disposable income and going to fancy book launches and movie premieres.

Yet sometimes, I feel a little bit lost and adrift and I know it may look (maybe!) like I’m a competent young professional but that’s not how I often feel.

I have to hold onto the fact that You have purpose for me here. Now and then a small moment will remind me of exactly why I care about what I’m doing and why I ended up living in London again (something I hadn’t really wanted to do).

There are many things that I know deep in my soul are from You; things taking place that I have prayed for.

I have to hold onto those truths over the lonely moments, the misunderstandings, the disappointments and uncertainties.

I choose thankfulness because the opportunities You are providing me with are worth far more than how I feel right now.

I don’t know where I am going but as ever this process is a good one. It is always in the moment that I realise how dependent I am on You, that I find You.

So I choose to keep going. Forward. Not conditionally. Not ‘I’ll do this God if You give me that’. No, I will choose joy and fight onwards through this strange time of being 20-something year’s old, learning so much so very quickly, and swinging between joy and sadness, confidence and utter insecurity.

Because You are worth it. Completely.

4 thoughts on “When it doesn’t feel ‘worth it’

  1. This all sounds oh-so-familiar! 🙂 It’s in these seasons that we’re often building a history with God that we don’t realize is so valuable until we hit another one of these seasons later in life. Your posture of gratitude before Him is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing!

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