If there is anything I have learnt this year, it is to not live by my feelings.
In 12 months I have probably gone through every every emotion I can think of in greater or lesser measure, but You are steadfast.
You have shown me that I can and must live in your presence where there is righteousness, peace and joy, regardless of circumstance. In the shadow of your wings I find an island of refuge, from an ever-turning world of hopes and disappointments, uncertainties and frustrations, joys and sadnesses, loneliness and companionship.
You are good.
You rescued me from the debilitating grip of depression. You restored hope and purpose and worth instead of shame and insignificance. You were patient and kind when I drifted, drawing me back to yourself.
You proved yourself so faithful that it is all I can do to respond. ‘Have your way in me’. How can I not offer my life in return for the price you paid for me?
There is still a big Unknown, questions without answers, loose ends. There are blind spots but I live by faith and not by sight. When the picture is incomplete, it must suffice to live in simple discernment of the mere fact that you are in something.
It must suffice when things don’t look the way I thought they would. You have shown me that obedience will cost something but the reward is always greater, because the reward is more of you. My idea of what things should look like are narrow, petty and constrained, compared to the incredible tapestry you are weaving in the lives of the body of Christ. To be one small thread is a delight and a joy.
‘Faith is spelt R-I-S-K’ were the oft-quoted words from John Wimber, who was no stranger to controversy. This the lifestyle you have been calling me to, gently but persistently.
I will continue to run after you and see promises spoken over me fulfilled. I refuse to be bound by scepticism, or unbelief or apathy or religious-ness; the only one who can stop your purposes being accomplished is my own refusal to co-operate. I love that idea of co-operating – you in me, with me, fully me, fully filled with you.
At the close of the year, I’ve never been happier to be myself. 12 months ago I could not have said that.
I am thankful for all of it. For small precious moments, for sunny days, friends, graduation, working life, deep conversations, tears and laughter, learning curves and plot twists; but more than anything, your goodness.
I have been surely tested but I walk away victorious. All glory to you, who is faithful to complete the good work started in me.