You’ve been faithful, God. More faithful and more gracious than I could ever deserve.
But right now, my heart feels swamped.
There’s pain, all different kinds.
Sometimes piercing like something sharp, sometimes a shocking punch in the gut. Sometimes it’s a dull ache. I’ve known them all these last months.
It’s not all my pain – and yet, in a way, it is. Those I’ve witnessed suffering around me are not starving orphans or earthquake victims; just people experiencing injustice, heartache and the cruel hand of sickness.
These people are my flesh and blood, and the people my soul loves. How can their pain not be mine? I don’t know how to not be burdened by it. I absorb other’s pain like a sponge. I want to fix everything and I can’t.
I am tired and confused and sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode. Too many thoughts. Too complicated, to some.
Some things aren’t complicated. There’s right and wrong; black and white. Your Word separates black from white; your Spirit defines the grey. But living out this walk is hard. I don’t have all the answers, nor have I strength to keep it together.
What do I do when I feel like there are more questions than answers? Wait, that’s another question. See what I mean.
I kind of feel like at the heart of everything, you’ve been teaching me about love. How to love. Different kinds of pain, different kinds of love. It’s like I’m being put through an examination; 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 are the questions. 1. Are you patient? Haha. Not very. 2. Kind? I try. 3. Do you envy? Boast? Are you proud? Yes, yes, and often yes. I can definitely be self-seeking, I can be easily angered and I can struggle to forgive.
Somehow in the last few months, through stuff happening around me, those things have been highlighted to me.
It’s easy to love people when everything is great; when there’s no sacrifice involved. Much harder when you feel you have nothing to give.
But you did, Jesus. You never turned anyone away. You gave it all.
I’m just a helpless child reaching for my Father, asking Him to help me love without the burden. To trust amidst the pain and to wait patiently for answers.
I remember the last few words of that passage: always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.