I want to want you more, God. I want to long for your presence with all that I am. I want to know that you’re enough for me.
You were enough a few months ago. You still are, but I really felt it then. In the midst of some hard stuff, you were everything. I devoted more time to you in those weeks than I’d done in months, maybe even years. My bible was filling up with wobbly underlinings and scrawled notes in the tiny margins; my worship playlists were on repeat for my short journeys to town and campus. I was so excited about you in my life. I delighted in telling you about the things that were of importance to me, and loved that big or small, you already knew them, and you cared.
I know you’re unchanging and you love me more than I’ll ever comprehend. But as term got busier and little annoyances got to me, the time I spent with you started to decrease again. I hit a wall and didn’t know how to climb it, so I got a bit stuck for a while. I’d been feeling passionate about bringing your kingdom to earth through healing and miracles; I wanted you to use me in that, but it started to feel impossible.
The other weekend, with your funny way of using unexpected people and places, you showed me that you didn’t forget about that. Not only did you not forget, but you’re completely with me on this. You probably get way more excited about things than we do, but we humans are so good at putting you in a box based on our own limitations. So when you reminded me of your great delight in me, and the ways in which you want to use me, I was pretty stoked.
But I was also pretty stoked because I was having a great weekend, and the following couple of weeks have been lacking the same excitement. Instead of using the time wisely, praying into the word you gave me or even just doing more revision, I managed to waste a good deal of it by procrastinating, and/or overthinking things (you must be used to that from me though). Even when great things happen, I still find ways to push you aside.
You’re unfathomably good, and you deserve far more of my time and attention than the few minutes and passing thoughts I give you. I want to know you’re enough even when I don’t feel it. I don’t want to make it about how I feel, I want to be overflowing with joy simply because of who you are. Instead, I’ve been complaining or worrying about things I can’t control. How easily I forget the amazing things you’ve done in my life; how from the big obstacles to the minor details, you’ve worked everything out.
We all slip up in life. This is just my recognition that recently, I’ve been screwing this up a little bit. You already knew that but I thought I would tell you anyway.
So, please help me fix this. Everything is pointless when you’re not everything.